Fallen

Courtesy of my brother, I’ve always had this Sarah McLachlan’s “Fallen” on my laptop. I have always liked the song but unlike my usual self, I never did listen to the words until Ikechi Oguike updated the words on her twitter profile and I listened to it on my phone and it moved me to tears.

“Heaven beg to take my hand lead me through the fire
Lead me through the fire with a long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight, truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere along the way I got caught up in all the world’s to offer
And it’s cost me so much more than I could bear

Though I’ve tried, fallen, I have sunk so low
I’ve messed uo better than I should know
So don’t come around here telling me I told you so”

That’s the first verse and the chorus.

As a child I’d always been a voracious reader, it was a passion my immediate younger brother and I shared. We’d read everything that came across our way from newspapers to novels and the like.
I have always been a Christian; I always knew that I had to also live my faith in addition to believing it but as time went on and I grew older I discovered it is easier to talk the faith than to live it. I discovered it’s easier to say I love God than to love that person that hurt me, I discovered that it is easier to quote the part of the Bible that says “love your neighbor as yourself” than to give my next door neighbor some food to eat when they have none to eat. I discovered it is easier to point out the speck in someone’s eyes than to remove the very big log in ours. I hope I do not sound preachy but I’m trying to say exactly what I feel right now.

As a child, we had this house help and when she came to Lagos, she really did not have enough clothes to wear and one day we were going out as a family and my mum asked her to wear one of my dresses and when I saw her in it, I threw a fit, I started crying because I did not want her to wear my clothes and she had to wear one of my mother’s. As I think back to that day, I am ashamed of my action and I hope she has forgiven me if she still remembers it. I really cannot remember how old I was then but being a child doesn’t excuse the fact that what I did was wrong. You see why we should never judge our fellow humans? You really never know do you?

So as I kept listening to the track that was on repeat mode, these lines just stuck and would not go away “though I’ve tried fallen, I’ve sunk so low, I ‘ve messed up better I should know…” and you know what came to my mind? The many times I looked into the mirror and could not recognize myself because I sinned, because I did what I wasn’t supposed to do, because I took God for granted, because I did not let him handle a situation because I felt I could do it on my own, because I can count the many times I messed up, the times I got caught up in what the world could offer and of course paid more than I could bear. And you know what? He kept loving me through it all; he kept giving me His grace to pull through somehow; even with how many times I rejected him, he was there patiently waiting for me to come back home. I don’t know about you but it humbles me from time to time. The singer isn’t even a gospel singer but her song touched chords deep in my soul that I can’t begin to explain.

I could console myself that I am human but I also know that some things can be avoided and temptation will always come. How can our faith be tested if we are not tempted? It is okay to fall into temptation for we aint super humans but after falling what next? Ever wonder why God was so taken with David? Even after he killed and committed adultery? A remorseful and repentant heart is what God wants. He doesn’t care if you go to church on Sundays to “show” yourself, he cares about what happens in your life in between Sundays because it is those days that matter the most. It is not being nice in church that counts because you feel a sense of God there but being nice on Monday at work, on Tuesday at school, on Wednesday to your family, on Thursday to that guy that needs your forgiveness, on Friday to your boss that has made life a living hell for you, on Saturday to that still small voice in your head that says “don’t” and then on Sunday again. I don’t know what your vice is, neither do I know what your struggle is but one thing I do know is that God uses struggle, pain and even tears to build character. After all, He never did promise a smooth sail but he did say he’ll always be there.

Nobody is perfect because if we were, I don’t think we’d be here on earth really. Recently someone posted something on facebook praying that “2012” remains nothing but a movie but what if it isn’t? What if the world does end even before you finish reading this? Most times, we don’t want to think about it, we like to think about here and now and not the life after and say God forbid each time the topic of death is brought up but people are dying all around us everyday what with the increased man-made and natural disasters world over. In a world that that is so ruled by pleasure and the “me” factor, it is even difficult to hear your very own voice, how much more the still small voice? But those that want to hear will hear even with all the noise in our world.

Remember that your salvation is a personal journey and I don’t know if you believe in Heaven and Hell but one thing I’m sure is that if there is, I don’t want to be left out.
Life on earth is transient.

“though I’ve tried, fallen, I have sunk so low, I’ve messed up …”

Funny what a well written song does to the soul.