A Man's Wife

So today, after much ado I finally went to Terra Kulture to see the drama with the above title. It had two people as the actors – a man and his wife.

This story is about a man and wife who have been married for twenty-two years and all of a sudden, the man starts having “mid-life crisis” and blames his wife for everything that has gone wrong in his life – his unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, the fact that she nags about every little thing he does, how she keeps reminding him of all the mistakes he’s made and so on. Basically, his point is she has taken him for granted and blames the “no longer exciting” marriage on his wife. Instead of trying to work out things between them, he looks outside and meets “the other woman”. This other woman happens to be pregnant for him and his wife hears from outside sources and she confronts him. He denies at first but then admits that there is indeed another woman but he still denies that she is heavy with his child. After much pressure he admits that she is indeed heavy with his child and as the typical African woman that she is, she tries to see if they can work things out but her husband of 22 years is very unwilling as in his own words Linda who is the other woman is caring and full of innocence. She shows him things that he never imagined, treats him like a god and all. His wife reminds him that she’s been with him for longer and knows his weaknesses which make it all the better but he says she put her career before him and that her love for him has dwindled. She reminds him that they have 3 lovely kids who happen to be schooling abroad and asks what the children will think and feel and his excuse is that they are in America and it is a way of life for married people in there to separate.

However, things take a turn when she realizes that her husband is indeed leaving and she tries to recapture their wedding day on their anniversary only with a twist. She reappears in her wedding gown and offers him a drink for old time’s sake and without suspecting foul play, accepts the drink. She then asks him this question which I’ve rephrased “what is a woman incapable of feelings able to do?” he looks at the empty tumbler only to realize a little too late that he’s been poisoned. Linda, whose real name is Susan happens to be her informant and her daughter’s friend or as her husband out it “older friend”. She also poisoned herself with her end notes as (rephrased) “if after 22 years I cannot have you, no other woman will”.
The play was quite entertaining and fun; funny and witty but I did not like the way it ended. Tragedy is a major genre of literature but I’m looking at the lesson I got from the play.

Yes, the man got bored and was looking for excitement with someone as young as his daughter after 22 years of marriage and while he might have had a point with the fact that his wife continuously nagged and complained about almost everything, he forgot that nothing in life is permanent and could not have expected that what he got in the first few years of their marriage, he would continue getting after 22 years or what do you think? But what did he do to revive it? Nothing. In this regard, I might blame the woman. Men like to feel that they are needed, always make him feel that whether you are 5 yrs into marriage or 50 years into it, he is very much still needed. If you have stayed married to him for as long as that, it shows that you love him but with the pressures life brings to our doorstep, we tend to forget to show it or say it. If you love him say it, if he’s been good to you and your kids, say it and show him appreciation; it could be by cooking his favourite movie, treating him to a massage or just “loving” him in other ways – whatever it is show appreciation. Funny how it is us women that always have to keep him happy.

Loving a man does not mean not having a life outside him. You have to have a deep rooted relationship with God. Although his wife quoted the scriptures to make her point, I don’t think she knew God in the way she ought to have because if she did, she’d know that even after 22 years, she could still live without him. I mean what if he had died of natural causes? Wouldn’t she have continued living? She did not have to kill him or herself just because she could not imagine a life without him or imagine him in the arms of a much younger woman. There is much more to life than a separation after many years isn’t there? She could have concentrated more on her career, bonded more with God, done a whole lot of things other than murder and suicide which I think is the easy way out.

Love is not selfish and I think she was and in my opinion, she stooped lower than her husband. Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned right? A woman can hate a man with the same intensity she loves him…yes! We were made that way.

Finally, to all young single ladies out there, a married man can never be yours especially if he is not yet divorced. No matter what happens, the wife has an advantage after all, she did wed him in a church or mosque and made God part of that covenant. In a battle of prayers, who do you think will win? The wife of course! It is not in every case that the single lady goes after the married men, some men come after us right? Funny as it may sound, you have to be responsible for you and tell yourself the truth. If he is officially divorced, I don’t have a problem with it but if he isn’t please steer clear because no one wants a life full of curses. Life already has a lot of challenges, why add more by yourself?

The play wasn’t bad and Wole Oguntokun is good at what he does. I rest my case.

I'm Only Human

Right now I’m listening to Brandy’s (who I happen to love) “Human” on her album and it inspired the title. I don’t know where this is going to take me but I’m going to keep tapping on my key board.
Have you ever loved someone so much only to end up losing him/her because of a silly mistake that was probably made out of bad judgement? Or did u lose that person because of something that could have been avoided and you have blamed and are still blaming yourself? You ask urself if u could have prevented it, u wonder why it’s so hard for that person to look past the hurt and forgive, u cry and cry but the damage is quite irrevocable. Sometimes, you don’t even hurt the person and for no reason u end up being hurt and you lose a relationship that u think would have lasted forever and ever. Sometimes we refuse to let go because we are afraid of spending our future without that person, we’ve given so much of our love, time, energy, finances and have sacrificed a whole lot to the growth of that relationship.
It hurts but in Brandy’s words “I’m perfectly human”.

The first book of Corinthians 13:4-7 says (of course u could go thru the whole chapter later)

“Love is patient and kind, it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail”.
Love is that extra special feeling that grows deep within our heart, soul and spirit. It is a feeling that touches our very essence as humans which more often than not change the way we view things and it happens when we least expect it. True love is above pettiness, creed, religion or tribe. It is about friendship and FORGIVENESS, it is about responsibility. With true love sex does not matter because it is not a condition, sex as most of us have discovered does not make a relationship. Love is also about SACRIFICE; it is honey “I love to sleep directly under the fan but you can have it” these little things matter.

Does it seem difficult? If u have truly loved someone, it is not difficult is it? Even when it hurts, you look past it and forgive, if he stumbles, you reach out a hand. Now imagine feeling like this for someone and the person wakes up one day and pulls the rug under your feet (literally and figuratively of course), you are devastated, you lock yourself up and cry and if a guy, you vent or even cry depending on who is concerned. But you know what? If you love someone so much and that person cannot love you the way you deserve, trust me, u do not deserve him/her, you are indeed better off alone. Let’s get over the “he’ll/she’ll come around thought, if he doesn’t love you now, you think you can make anyone love you? Hell No! He / she will have to make a conscious decision to love you the way you deserve to be loved and not patronize you because you are nice. I would rather be single than have someone patronize me thank you very much. Love is not camouflage.

Love is I know his weaknesses but I love him, love is I know she’s vain but I love her, love is I know he’s not rich but I love him, love is she hurt me but I’ll forgive her, love is sacrificial, love is I hurt you and I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you, love is you hurt, I hurt; love is you cry, I cry, love is you’ve made mistakes so have I, let’s turn back the hands of time, love is you have a past so do I but let’s work towards the future after all we are humans.

What are the things we cannot forgive? Is it lies? Is it betrayal? Is it the fact that he/she slept with your best friend? I know some things are very HARD to forgive especially since we are not Jesus Christ but people have done it. Or does it mean that if you are married, you'll file for a divorce? I’m not saying that if the person does the same thing over and over again, you'll keep turning the other cheek No! That’s outright stupidity but then again, Jesus said to forgive seventy times seven which is really throughout our lives. However, I don’t want to go there for the sake of national peace and security before you guys will say I’ve started again or even call me an idealist.

Let’s give it some deep thought, nothing in life is easy, even love, we all have to work hard towards it and we should always bear in mind that we are all humans and tend to make mistakes even costly mistakes. Love is all encompassing of kindness, forgiveness, patience, empathy, friendship, compassion, understanding…the list goes on and on.
If you’ve been hurt before, if ur heart has bled for a lost love and if u’re still bleeding, difficult as it may seem, life does go on and I’m sure the person in question has moved on. Look on the bright side, maybe that person is not made for you. I’m sure most of us have heard this saying “if u love something, set it free and if it’s meant for u, it will definitely come back”. Besides life is too short to spend it pinning for someone who’s taken you for non-existent. Time heals all wounds. Live your life; try new things, you never what’s lurking around the corner. But always remember that he/she’s not the best thing that happened to you rather, you’re the best thing he never had.
God help us in the quest for true love.

To tell or not to tell

90% of us will agree that relationships should be built on trust right? But just how much are we willing to trust our partners or friends? The word “love” is so easy to say yet so difficult to prove isn’t it. For a better understanding of what love is, I’ll refer us to 1Corinthians 13. After reading it ask yourself this question: Can I truly love like this? Where am I going with this? I don’t know yet.

Apart from the fact that there’s so much sex in the series “Sex n d City”, there are lessons to be learnt. Carrie Bradshaw, a thirty-something year old woman was dating a Mr. Big. His job moves him to Paris and he so much as did not mention it to Carrie who found out by accident. He broke her heart by moving to Paris and does not call her or try to maintain their relationship even though it is obvious that Carries loves him. Some months or a year passes and they bump into each other at a party. Carrie is stunned that he is in fact in town and did not try to reach her then she finds out that he’s dating a much younger girl who happens to be 24/25 and is miss prim and proper. Mr. Big and Natasha prim and proper did eventually tie the knot after months of dating. Of course Carrie is hurt especially since he left her for a much younger girl and after telling her that he never wants to get married again. But she does try to move on and in so doing, she meets this really nice, tall, cute and good guy and is kinda scared that everything is going all smooth with him until Big makes a re-appearance. Yes, his marriage aint working and guess who he puts on the spot! Yes ! they did have amazing sex and she vows it will never happen again but it does over and over again. Big is saying he’ll leave his wife if only Carrie will be there for him when he does and she does not agree because she wants to love her new found boyfriend. We do know that married men will never leave their wives don’t we? Naturally, Carrie begins to shut her “mr. nice guy boyfy” out because she is ashamed of her behaviour and keeps running everytime big calls.

And she begins her battle of the wills “to tell or not to tell him”. Some of her friends advice against it while some do. If you were Carrie, what would you do? She is afraid that she’ll lose him but in the end she does tell him and she loses him quite naturally.

In our part of the world, it is easier for a woman to forgive a man’s indiscretions than it is for a man to forgive a woman’s. my question is would you forgive your spouse for cheating on you? And why?

Some of us might call Carrie a big fool especially since he did not marry her and is having an affair/committing adultery with her but my dear, emotions run pretty deep especially when the heart is involved. (Oh yeah! He was eating his cake and having evry crumb of it.) Your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you another. carrie knew she shouldn’t have slept with Big and jeopardised her current love life but when you love someone and “great sex” is involved, you lose all sense of reasoning. Why would a married man want to eat his cake and have it? And why would he put his ex-girlfriend in that position especially since he knows she had…still has feelings for him, after all, love doesn’t just die after a relatonship ends does it?

In my part of the world,if a married man goes after a single young lady and she falls for him, the society will blame the girl for yielding and no one will blame the guy for leaving his wife at home and chasing after another woman after all, it is a man’s world. Everyone seems to forget that a single “younger or older girl a.k.a the other woman also has feelings and is only human. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning the lady’s consent whatever the case may be, all I’m saying is it’s not everytime that the young lady chases the married guy after all, it takes two to tango. Look at Carrie for example, if Big had never made any move, she’d have been comfortable with her “mr. goody two shoes” and she’d have had the chance to love him as he truly deserved to be loved but Big had to make the move and considering what they’d shared in the past, she did not have the strong will to resist him.

My questions are in four parts
1. If you cheated on your boyfriend/spouse would you tell him/her and why?
2. If you were the spouse that was cheated on would you forgive and try to make things work or would you leave?
3. Did Big love carrie in the real sense of the word especially after reading 1Corinth 13?
4. It’s legendary that women do not know what they want but what do men want? Do men want to date miss wild and free and then marry miss prim and proper/miss bitch?