Friends with Benefits

Have you ever heard this phrase? Yes! Friends with benefits!

Let me try to define it. You are friends with a member of the opposite sex and for some reason that relationship is not defined. Why? Because one person is either dating someone else, is afraid of committing because he/she feels there is someone better out there or because the person is just comfortable with the status quo. I mean he/she may not have a boy or girlfriend but is getting “everything”, yes literally and figuratively from this person and does not want it to change. However, this person does not want to commit. Meanwhile, the partner is there having hopes that he/she will come around to making a commitment because as is usual in this kind of relationship, one person is in love and is emotionally tied to this person and most victims in this case are the women folk.
The really bad thing about this relationship is that it goes on for years…sometimes as long as ten years and as an outsider you may ask “is she stupid?” what can I say? Emotions run deep and there’s nothing as sweet to a man as love that he did not work for… I got that line from a book I read back in the university, can’t remember the title though but it is so true.

Larry met Nkem while they were corps members. He had a girlfriend but something about Nkem just continues to pull him. he approaches her and they “click” immediately. They become fast friends but Larry holds back the information that he is indeed seeing someone and before you know it, sparks start flying. He calls her at odd hours of the day, visits her at home, buys her gifts on a whim and Nkem is floating in “love heaven”. Somewhere along the line he fesses up and tells Nkem that he has a girlfriend who he is in love with (this is like five years down the line when she’s expecting him to commit and pop the question). To say that her world came crumbling down would be an understatement but she was madly in love with him already and she kept telling herself “if he could show me so much affection and claim to love me, who knows? I just might get him to commit”. So he hangs on hoping that he’ll come around and because of this, she ignores all other guys that come her way. Larry eventually got married to his girlfriend and did not bother to tell Nkem.
In chioma’s case, she loved Nnamdi to a fault. They were just friends but somewhere along the line, emotions start rolling. She cooks his meals, cleans his house, warms his bed and all but Nnamdi won’t even acknowledge her as his girlfriend. She stays on hoping and praying to God that he will come around but after three years, she goes to his house one day and sees another girl with her luggage in his house. It did not clear the scales in her eyes as she kept telling herself that the other lady would pass. All this while, she’s been ignoring advances from other guys because her heart was somewhere and although Nnamdi did not commit, he kept leading her on. Her turning point was a certain day when she sent him a romantic text and his reply was that the other lady saw it. That was the day Chioma decided she had had enough.

Do you see why I say ladies are more vulnerable? In both cases, real life if I may add, the guys led them on when they knew there was no future in the relationship. And although the ladies saw the hand writing on the wall, the signals they kept getting from the guys blurred their discernment.
Why would you stay in a relationship that keeps draining you emotionally, spiritually, financially and otherwise? Is it lack of self-esteem? Is it that love has blinded you so much that you really cannot look at the big picture which is that you should love yourself first because if you do not love yourself, you will take whatever crap anyone hands out to you and even thank the person for it. If you are in a relationship that is a year old and still undefined, don’t you think it’s time to hit the freeway? Because if you have selflessly loved someone and that person has not reciprocated, isn’t it a sign that he will never? Some ladies will say “I’ve given so much, I can’t start all over again”, “I can’t love another like I’ve loved him”, “he knows me so well” …the list goes on and on…
Funny enough, both guys are married now to other people of course and while Chioma was able to find herself a good man, Nkem hasn’t been so lucky. Can you relate to this story? If you can, don’t you think it is time to let go?

God created marriage and it is indeed a good thing only if spent with Mr. Right. Pity does not cut it. If he marries you out of pity, you are worse off for it, if he marries you because “she’s stuck around long enough, why don’t I just make her happy by making her my bride” it will not work in the long run. How would you feel if you overheard your husband to be say to his friends “she completes me like no other does, I love her and I know it will not always be easy but I am willing to take the risk” or if you overheard him say “well, she loves me and she is obedient and honestly I can control her so what the hell! I might as well marry her” or “she is rich, her family will help my career”. If you heard any of the last two, would you seriously get into that kind of marriage? You would if you’re in for what you can get or because your self esteem is on an all time low or you are so desperate that a wolf who by the way is not in a sheep’s clothing is a blessing to you but if you have feelings for the guy and you overheard the first statement, wouldn’t you smile to your friends and tell them that no matter how bad it gets, you know that he’ll always be there till death do you part.
It does take the grace of God and while we are itching to settle down, let us shine our eyes. And remember it is he that findeth a wife and not the other way round.

Giving back to the Society

So today my town’s people had their “nmechi” for the year and even though I did not want to attend, my mum insisted and I couldn’t help but remember a line in “Half of a Yellow Sun” where Kainene explained to a white guy the notion about being fresh meat for young single guys out there. I mean I couldn’t help remembering that line cos my mum has been on my case to bring home a guy… if u know what I mean.

Anyways I tagged along and pleaded with my brother to come along so I wouldn’t get bored but he did not want to so I ended up going alone with a copy of “Half of a Yellow Sun” which  I’m still reading. Anyways we got there and I did not see any of my cousins neither did I sight any interesting guy so after looking around for a while, I went back to the car to continue my quest in Olanna and Kainene’s world and couldn’t help thinking that I hadn’t ironed what to wear to work tomorrow. But before I went off to the car, I greeted some of my aunts, “nnukwu nne”, “nne m” and nnam ochie” and all other names we have for such relatives.

After a while, some guy sought me out in the car…he claimed to know me but I did not recognize hime but what the hell! He is from my village so I indulged him and we walked back to the gathering. Upon getting there I noticed that there was so much noise all of a sudden only for me to look up to see that a raffle draw was going on. There were refrigerators, bags of rice, television sets, motorcycles, cartons of noodles and other items all donated by the rich among us in my village. And I thought to myself as I saw the joy on the winners’ faces as their numbers were called, the screams of delighted surprise and the cheers of the audience, this is what charity is all about. I mean whoever said “Charity begins at home” knew what he was talking about. Forty bags of rice were donated by an individual and it was shared among the widows.

Some of us are rich and can afford to help others but we do not start with our families, we do not begin with our immediate communities for reasons best known to us but prefer to help others outside our immediate family and community. But if you are well to do and your family looks shabby, wouldn’t you be ashamed?

While the masses prayed for the givers and asked God to provide more for them, I thought to myself, what more could anyone ask for if not the blessings of his people? While some of us might see it as blasé, I think it is worth commending because after all, charity begins at home.  

If you are in the position to help people, please let it start with your family and immediate community. Much as I did not want to go, it is one thing I learned today.

To all those who put smiles on people’s faces today, may God bless and replace in tenfold all that you gave today and to the wonderful people of Unubi, I say long live Unubi!!! I am proud of my village.

Purple Hibiscus

While the big brother participants are apprehensive about  who’s going to leave the house next, yours truly just finished reading the book with the above titled written by Chimamanda Adichie whose first name I only just got to know how to pronounce. I really couldn’t make up my mind if it is an Igbo or English name  or if it is a mixture of English and Igbo until a colleague of mine pronounced it with the proper Igbo inflection.

I was still a child when I got introduced to the Hibiscus flower which is red in colour, I used to cut it from my neighbour’s garden and put it in my hair. If you wrote WAEC in ‘99/2000, we drew it in our Biology practical exam so I was taken off guard when I heard “purple hibiscus” but Chimamanda has justified it  or has she?

The book made quite an amazing impression on me -  it is one of those books that you don’t want to put down – it kept me awake at night even when I had work the following day.

I really am at a loss on where to start.

What is a family? To me, a family is more than just a dad, a mum and kids which is where I think “papa” or Uncle Eugene lost it. Yes he was religious, he gave to the poor, he was charitable and kind to all and sundry but his family. The church recognized him and women would willingly throw themselves or their daughters at him according to his wife Beatrice. His kids grew up in an atmosphere of total fear, they had no opinion, and everything for them had to be approved by their dad, which really isn’t a bad thing. Where it is bad is where kids are not allowed to be kids, where every mistake they make is a sin and should be confessed at the feet of a priest, I mean even his wife was dead scared of him and if she “misbehaved”, he punished her by beating her or doing atrocious things to her. Even the kids were not left out. Imagine where your dad pours hot water on you just because you have a picture of or you were in the same room with your “heathen” grandfather! Or where he disfigures your finger because you came 2^nd position in class! I mean, who stays in that kind of marriage? An Igbo woman.

The man is more catholic than the Catholic Church, to the extent that singing igbo songs or hymns at mass is not acceptable to him, he does not care for his aged father because according to him, he is a heathen just because he does not believe in the catholic faith. With all that, his father still includes him in his prayers.  His sister, aunt Ifeoma is also a catholic but is the direct opposite of him. she is a widow, and has to cater for three kids on her own. As a university lecturer, this is not an easy feat but her family is built on the foundation of love, laughter and discipline. Funny enough, I could relate to aunt Ifeoma’s family because we also used to fetch water outside as kids, I used to share some pieces of meat with my brothers whaenever we ate garri…we never got a piece to ourselves except on Sundays. Then my family was and still is where we are always ourselves, free to talk, laugh and be kids. We knew we were not supposed to fail at school but even when we did not perform as good as we ought to, we were not seriously beaten or made fun of, instead my mum would shout a little but whoever had poor results that term had to put in more study time over the holidays.

Aunt Ifeoma manages to convince Eugene to let his kids come and spend some time in Nsukka with her and while the environment and behavior was strange, it was full of love and naturally Jaja and Kambili preferred their aunt’s home to theirs.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when Eugene beat his wife yet again to the extenet that he broke their centre table on her stomach, causing her to have a miscarriage for the third or fourth time. After she recovered from this incident, she lost it. She started feeding him poison in his tea until he eventually slumped and died. An autopsy was performed and when the police came, Jaja claimed he killed his dad.

While I do not believe in murder, I must say that Eugene had it coming;  I did not like the way it ended either and while murder is not a good idea, i do know that there is more to life than shades of black and white. I have a problem with their Parish Priest, Fr. Benedict though. As a spiritual director, he could not have claimed not to have seen the physical and emotional assault the family was going through, he heard their confession and  unless Eugene did not confess everything he did (if he even saw it as wrong) the priest did nothing about it. When he beat his daughter so hard that she lost consciousness and was rushed to the catholic hospital, he could have done something but no he did not. Maybe he was blinded by the generous donations he made to the church.

Yet we wonder why we have so many psychopaths in the society! If I come from a dysfunctional family, how am I supposed to behave in public? If I can’t laugh at home, where could I possibly laugh? If my dad’s way of discipline is scarring me and then using tears with the words “anything I do, I do out of love” to blackmail me emotionally as a child, what will I teach my kids? For how long will we continue to use religion as a perfect cover for our heinous crimes? He called his own father a heathen and “hands offed” him but in what way did he try to win his father over by showing love to him? if you call yourself a Christian and your ways are evil, how do you intend to win souls?

Did I mention the attraction between Kambili and Father Amadi? Yes! Priests have feelings too, after all, they are also human like you and i. 

These and more are the questions that arose in me when I read “Purple Hibiscus”.

Chimamanda Adichie came into lime light with this book even though she had written short stories in the past. Her style of writing took me back to the days of Chinua Achebe, Cyprian Ekwensi, Flora Nwapa and the like where children used to seat at the feet of the elders and listen to “akuko ifo” otherwise known as folktales. She is also the author of “Half of a yellow sun” and guess what! She is young and an inspiration to many people out there. I get bored easily but this book held my interest from start to finish and I did not want it to end. I am so proud of her.

(Yawns) I’m tired of typing…why don’t you go get or borrow a copy of “Purple Hibiscus” if you haven’t and get the whole story? As for me, I’m off to ook for my next Chimamanda book. See you later.