The day of reckoning finally came for me today but little did I know that it would also be a day of reckoning for a man I have never met in my entire life. Or maybe I have met him somewhere, someplace before but his face did not register because he is one of the many faces I come across on the busy streets of Lagos. A man that set out today to earn a living but whose life would be changed forever. It is crazy how the little things we take for granted turn around and change our lives.
I left my house around 7:30am for my exam venue somewhere in Ikeja. Naturally I hopped on a bike to take me to the bus stop without giving it a second thought. On getting to the bus stop I paid the bike guy and crossed to the other side of the road to board a bus. The bus was empty so I sat in front. I noticed an id card hanging and I compared it to the faces of both the driver and the conductor but there was no semblance so I assumed it was the id card of the bus owner who leased it to the driver and expecting to be settled at the end of the day depending on their arrangement. I sat back, got out my study pack and tried to glance through but my mind kept wandering to something I will talk about later which brought a smile to my face.
While I was still in Wonderland, I was jeered back to reality by a sudden clash of metal against metal. My bus took such a great hit that I exclaimed “Jesus!” Impulsively I got down from the bus as did other passengers to see what the fuss and clash was about. Lo and behold, there he was… a hausa bike rider in such a mangled position, his right leg was at a very odd angle and his bone was jutting out. And there he lay writhing in pain with his helmet still on his head which protected that area from any injury. the bike however, was bashed beyond repair. And for some strange reason, it occurred to me that I had not said a prayer this morning. Strange that I would think that right?
However protected his head was, it did not save the rest of his body and he was bleeding. Lagosians gathered and were standing there transfixed by the sights and I heard things like “thank God he had no passenger”; “where are they always rushing to?” “instead of looking, why not take him to the hospital?” to say that my blood ran cold would be an understatement as I was in shock but aware of the on goings in my environment. I wondered if he had a wife at home or somewhere up North, I wondered if he had kids, I wondered if he had aged parents or if he was just fending for himself and I also wondered if he could feel any pain but I had no answers. Cars kept passing with no one offering to take him to the hospital and I wondered what I would have done if I had a car and happened to pass by. Honestly, I had no answer to that either.
The guy was still bleeding and in a matter of minutes, a blue uniformed police officer got some young men to move him off the road to the curb. The accident victim’s mouth was moving but I’m not sure any words came out and that was when the tears came. I wondered if he could see the “light” that people that have seen death talk about, I wondered if his whole life flashed before him and I wondered why I was there at the exact time this accident happened, I mean I could have left my house earlier and not have boarded the bus or I could have been late too but as usual, I had no answers.
Eventually I got myself to move as I was running late for my exam and offered a prayer for his soul because I knew not if he would survive the ordeal. He could lose so much blood before a vehicle came. Since I had no idea where my venue was, I approached a bike guy who was at the scene and told him where I was going especially since my bus driver had since disappeared. I demanded a helmet and told him to drive slowly and he said “aunty, after what I just saw, I would be crazy not to take it easy”. I kept praying on the way that no accident would befall me. I got to the venue and while my mates were revising, I was writing my ordeal in my book.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Day I Met Him
It started like any other day only that it was a different day. Ash Wednesday! Naturally, I woke up earlier than normal just to meet up with the mass and proceed to work. After listening to the Priest talk about abstinence, prayer and fasting, I made a mental note of things to abstain from.
On getting to work with the ash on my forehead, business was as usual; it was quite slow and I was so hungry but tried to hold myself to wait until at least 12noon; I mean it was the least I could do on Ash Wednesday.
When it was some minutes past 12noon, I went to feed my hunger at the staff canteen. Upon leaving and entering into the office, I saw his back view and I asked one of our security men “Baba is that him?” Baba responded in the affirmative but I doubted because I felt Baba, who is quite elderly wouldn’t know him and since I was going back to the banking I figured I would see for myself. It was him alright, the multiple award winning Kokomaster sitting right in front of my desk and I said to him “Dbanj, I want an autograph” and he said no problem. Immediately I got on the intercom to tell my “back office” colleagues that Dbanj was indeed in the branch. For some reason he would not just stop fiddling with his blackberry and then it hit me that he is a shy person. He kept on fiddling with his blackberry and according to a senior colleague; my unit head who is a celebrity wife herself (Dan Foster’s wife), he just kept scrolling up and down his piece.
My colleagues came out and greeted him with “File”, “O…..se” and all his normal diatribes and of course we took pictures individually with him. When it was my turn to take a picture with him, my colleagues chose that time to say “chichi, we’re in lent” but I ignored them. It was Kevwe’s birthday that day and after getting two pecks and a hug from him as a birthday treat, she asked him to sing for her but Dbanj aka Kokomaster was too shy to sing in the banking hall. I do not have the liver for that kind of request besides, it wasn’t my birthday but I prolly wouldn’t have minded the peck… ohh baby!!! He had his signature shades on, a nice t-shirt, a pair of jeans and a very nice pair of shoes which I missed but my other observant colleagues took note of. I mean the last thing on my mind at the time were his shoes. He came in with some guy who came for a transaction and thankfully it wasn’t the usual Zenith 5 minutes transaction, this particular transaction took a while and he was sitting right in front of me. I was in Heaven on Ash Wednesday. His friend was also warm, funny and friendly but it is Dbanj we see on television right?
Because of the warm reception he received, he did loosen up and we got talking; not about his music or anything bordering on his career, but just making interesting funny conversation. By Jove! I was so excited and I had quite a laugh. At some point, he said something funny and for a second, I forgot where I was and hit him on the shoulder. Immediately I pinched myself as a reminder that at that point in time he was a customer and I was still in the office environment. It ain’t like I haven’t seen a celebrity before but Dbanj? Apart from on stage, I’d never been “up close and personal”. Did I mention that he has a hot body? Yes he does. Trim, taut and exactly what we saw in “suddenly” video. Hey! Before your imagination starts running wild, I took a picture with him and held him and my fingers know when they touch a great body trust me. Banking sure has its good days.
I must confess that I was over the moon with excitement and thankfully my Branch Head wasn’t in the office so I could let loose but even if she was, I’m sure that even she would have understood. I mean it isn’t everyday that Dbanj makes an appearance now is it. Even my colleagues that were outside the branch kept calling in to ask “is it true that Dbanj is in the branch?” one of them insisted she wanted to speak with him via the telephone and being the obliging person he is, he acquiesced.
I sincerely hope I have not left any detail out. He did call me a fine “kokolet” and he used terms like “babylet” and “mamalet”. I must say that apart from the shyness about him, he is down to earth and funny, he is not a “former” if you know what I mean and from what I saw, he is quite humble.
Trust that I have been telling everyone who cares to listen about the day I met him and I must say that it’s the most fun day in my life this year. After that is the day I saw “Valentine’s Day”.
Oh yes and he did tip me some…if you want to know how much, inbox or call me.
And no he did not call me later. But the fact that I was opportune to talk with him is enough for me.
On getting to work with the ash on my forehead, business was as usual; it was quite slow and I was so hungry but tried to hold myself to wait until at least 12noon; I mean it was the least I could do on Ash Wednesday.
When it was some minutes past 12noon, I went to feed my hunger at the staff canteen. Upon leaving and entering into the office, I saw his back view and I asked one of our security men “Baba is that him?” Baba responded in the affirmative but I doubted because I felt Baba, who is quite elderly wouldn’t know him and since I was going back to the banking I figured I would see for myself. It was him alright, the multiple award winning Kokomaster sitting right in front of my desk and I said to him “Dbanj, I want an autograph” and he said no problem. Immediately I got on the intercom to tell my “back office” colleagues that Dbanj was indeed in the branch. For some reason he would not just stop fiddling with his blackberry and then it hit me that he is a shy person. He kept on fiddling with his blackberry and according to a senior colleague; my unit head who is a celebrity wife herself (Dan Foster’s wife), he just kept scrolling up and down his piece.
My colleagues came out and greeted him with “File”, “O…..se” and all his normal diatribes and of course we took pictures individually with him. When it was my turn to take a picture with him, my colleagues chose that time to say “chichi, we’re in lent” but I ignored them. It was Kevwe’s birthday that day and after getting two pecks and a hug from him as a birthday treat, she asked him to sing for her but Dbanj aka Kokomaster was too shy to sing in the banking hall. I do not have the liver for that kind of request besides, it wasn’t my birthday but I prolly wouldn’t have minded the peck… ohh baby!!! He had his signature shades on, a nice t-shirt, a pair of jeans and a very nice pair of shoes which I missed but my other observant colleagues took note of. I mean the last thing on my mind at the time were his shoes. He came in with some guy who came for a transaction and thankfully it wasn’t the usual Zenith 5 minutes transaction, this particular transaction took a while and he was sitting right in front of me. I was in Heaven on Ash Wednesday. His friend was also warm, funny and friendly but it is Dbanj we see on television right?
Because of the warm reception he received, he did loosen up and we got talking; not about his music or anything bordering on his career, but just making interesting funny conversation. By Jove! I was so excited and I had quite a laugh. At some point, he said something funny and for a second, I forgot where I was and hit him on the shoulder. Immediately I pinched myself as a reminder that at that point in time he was a customer and I was still in the office environment. It ain’t like I haven’t seen a celebrity before but Dbanj? Apart from on stage, I’d never been “up close and personal”. Did I mention that he has a hot body? Yes he does. Trim, taut and exactly what we saw in “suddenly” video. Hey! Before your imagination starts running wild, I took a picture with him and held him and my fingers know when they touch a great body trust me. Banking sure has its good days.
I must confess that I was over the moon with excitement and thankfully my Branch Head wasn’t in the office so I could let loose but even if she was, I’m sure that even she would have understood. I mean it isn’t everyday that Dbanj makes an appearance now is it. Even my colleagues that were outside the branch kept calling in to ask “is it true that Dbanj is in the branch?” one of them insisted she wanted to speak with him via the telephone and being the obliging person he is, he acquiesced.
I sincerely hope I have not left any detail out. He did call me a fine “kokolet” and he used terms like “babylet” and “mamalet”. I must say that apart from the shyness about him, he is down to earth and funny, he is not a “former” if you know what I mean and from what I saw, he is quite humble.
Trust that I have been telling everyone who cares to listen about the day I met him and I must say that it’s the most fun day in my life this year. After that is the day I saw “Valentine’s Day”.
Oh yes and he did tip me some…if you want to know how much, inbox or call me.
And no he did not call me later. But the fact that I was opportune to talk with him is enough for me.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Your Nigeria?
I am not a football fan but the kind of negative vibes the Super Eagles got even before they qualified for this match was disheartening. Even when we qualified we were still negative, I heard things like “we will not go past the first match” but we did didn’t we? In the office, in the bus, in the church and everywhere I turned all I kept hearing was “we will just go and disgrace us”, this statement is even better ; I did hear “they will disgrace us”. We were distancing ourselves from the Super Eagles but lo and behold Amodu led us to third place. You would think that tongues would stop wagging but no…”how can we be third place?” “the Super Eagles are such a disgrace”… and I think to myself, these are the same people that “prophesied” that we would not make it through the first match.
Funny enough it isn’t only in football that we display “unpatriotism”, we display it at everything we do in this Country. We are so negative minded that I wonder how we will ever make progress. All we do is complain and criticize; we never see anything good in one another and that is why as far as Chinaeze Okiche is concerned, we will not progress.
Recently on an episode of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”, Frank asked the male guest the former name of Enyimba United and you know what he said on National Television? “I’m not big on our local football, I prefer the international scene” and trust Frank to serve it back to him on a hot plate. The international scene was local before it became international isn’t it? I hate to make comparisons but I must say that you will hardly spot an American publicly being unpatriotic in words or action. Yeah! I know what you’re thinking… America is highly developed and everything is working well for them. Is it really or is it what they want you to see? Even if it is all rosy it wasn’t all rosy, as the saying goes “Rome was not built in a day”.
Our President is sick and without reference to the constitution, people were heard saying “let him resign”; “let him die” blah blah blah. He wasn’t around to swear in the new Chief Justice and although it is clearly written in the constitution that in the absence of the President, the outgoing Chief Justice can swear in the new one but jobless and idle Nigerians kept making ignorant comments.
Rebranding Nigeria will not start with the government, it will not start with the highly placed in the society and even if it does, if you and I are not carried along we will not succeed. Like Michael Jackson said, we have to start with the man in the mirror; look at yourself and change your way of thinking, have faith in your fellow Nigerians no matter the circumstances. I am not saying that if we see anything bad we should not say it but we should do it with love; we should critique and not criticize. Let us support one another because we will never be rebranded if we don’t work together.
While I agree that the President has been away for too long, and his seat is empty, he did not choose to be sick and because it has never happened in our history so to speak, there isn’t provision for it in the Constitution. However, the Senate is working on it. While we wait for the Senate to decide what next, let us pray for Yar’adua and put yourself in his shoes. Some people asked why he addressed us on BBC; even I asked that question but on second thought, if it was aired on NTA, we would have doubted the authenticity wouldn’t we? It was on BBC and some of us still doubt, how much more NTA that is government owned?
From the President’s ill health to Mutallab’s suicide bombing to the Jos crisis. It will not get better if we do not try. There will always be bad eggs in our midst but be the best you can and support your fellow Countryman and always remember that it could be worse. Christian, Islam, Igbo, Yoruba, Hausa… we are all one Nigeria aren’t we? Football used to be our uniting force but today, I’m not so sure.
America is not perfect but in their imperfection they are there for one another. We all saw what happened when Obama became president…tears were flowing from both whites and blacks. Does that mean that thereare no longer racists there? No. Does that mean that Obama does not have critics? No again.
Let us learn
Let us change our modus operandi
And maybe, just maybe the America that has delisted us will come back crawling and begging.
I
Friday, January 1, 2010
Remember 2009
So it’s what? How many hours to 2010? The excitement is on the low side probably because of the fuel scarcity, the countless job losses, the financial crunch and all but yeah we are still thankful that we can see today. It’s the spirit of Christmas, a time for celebrating the birth of our Messiah even though most of us tend to forget the reason for the season…
2010 is just around the corner and I can’t help but want to feel your pulse on the year 2009. For some of us, it was happy – we got married, we had a kid or kids, we aced that exam, we fell in love, we got our dream jobs, or we were just fulfilled, some of us renewed our relationship with God and our friends etcetera. For some of us still – we got lazy in our relationships, we failed our exams, we fell out of love, we lost a loved one to death…especially in this season, we got retrenched; especially those of us that worked in banks, some of us got divorced, and sadly, some of us just stopped living.
Yes! 2009 had its ups and downs, joys and tears, highs and lows but if you can read this, it means that there is hope, it means that 2010 offers us a chance to be better at what we did in 2009, it means that God is giving us a second chance to love, to live, to explore, to forgive and forget, to let go of the betrayals, the hurt, the pain and just let it go.
For me, 2009 was a good year because I discovered more about myself, i discovered some new things about me – good and bad, I learned how to deal with my weaknesses and work with my strengths, I learned quite a number of things ranging from how to manage people better to how to appreciate each moment especially moments spent with my family. I did finally get my groove on the salsa dance floor, I went out more often, made some new friends, saw more movies, made the effort to be more patient. I ain’t perfect yet but I’m getting there…err…that is if there’s anything like perfection
In no particular order, I’ll go over what I learned this year:
• Obama winning the Nobel peace prize taught me that when it is your time to shine, you will, regardless of whether people feel you deserve it at the time or not.
• Lady Gaga meeting the Queen taught me that even the raunchiest of celebrities know how to behave when they meet royalty. By Jove that red dress was garish…surprising to spot lady Gaga in a proper dress that covered all her goods however garish.
• My colleague lost his dad a few days to Christmas and my best friend lost her younger brother to a car accident. Funny that she also lost her mom in 2008. With these deaths, I learned that death does take us by surprise and even when we think we have space especially if you’ve lost one in such a short while, another can still occur…I have not lost a parent neither have I lost a brother but I’ve lost friends, uncles and people generally and one thing is certain, it is painful. And while grieving, we tend to question God but we should never forget that he sees the big picture, we only see the blueprint which is why we need him always. He knows why and while we may ask “Dear Lord, why me?” Let us also remember that He is God and sits on the throne. He is the giver and taker of all things from success to love to joy to grief to hurt to life and death.
Michael Jackson’s death reminded me that no matter your status in life is, you ain’t above it. Suffice it to say that big or small, death will come; it’s just a matter of time. It also taught me that no one has it all…we all lack something and sometimes a smile or a compliment will make a difference. Leave judgement to God, if he will wait until we die, who are you to judge?
• I also learned that no one is above any sin and the moment you start to think that you are above a particular sin, temptation will strike. So guard your hearts diligently and in all humility ask God for His grace because for every temptation that comes your way, there is a way out. However, seeing that way out might just be the issue because you will try so hard too justify your actions even when you know they are wrong.
• Kevin winning big brother taught me that good inter-personal skills will always open doors for you in the long run. Respect your fellow human beings. Who knows? Africa or the world might just be watching. Better still, God is definitely watching.
• Children have also taught me the effect of an innocent smile…that always has an effect on me. Makes me want a child of my own daily.
• Yaradua’s illness taught me that leaders will always fall ill but it’s how the followers handle it that matters. The Country must still go on innit?
• Farouq Mutallab’s actions has smeared our name again… Nigeria!!!
As the curtains fall on 2009, the memories will only be in our hearts, photographs and in shared memories with our friends, families and all those that were a part of it. As the stage opens to 2010, let us remember that no one is perfect but most people are good; people cannot and should not be judged only by their worst or weakest moments; harsh judgements can make hypocrites of you and I. A lot of life is just showing up and hanging on; that laughter is often the best and sometimes the only response to pain. Everyone has a story of dreams and nightmares, hope and heartache, love and loss, courage and fear, sacrifice and selfishness and in the midst of all these, if you have a friend who listens and encourages you, you should be thankful because each of us have our individual battles.
There will always be choices, passages, moments that make a difference for a life time. So before you make that life changing decision, think again.
2009! A year that will never be again.
Happy 2010 and remember that the years go by too quickly to waste them in silent prisons of hate. As Chaz B always says, “Show love just because…”
Once again, Happy 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2010 is just around the corner and I can’t help but want to feel your pulse on the year 2009. For some of us, it was happy – we got married, we had a kid or kids, we aced that exam, we fell in love, we got our dream jobs, or we were just fulfilled, some of us renewed our relationship with God and our friends etcetera. For some of us still – we got lazy in our relationships, we failed our exams, we fell out of love, we lost a loved one to death…especially in this season, we got retrenched; especially those of us that worked in banks, some of us got divorced, and sadly, some of us just stopped living.
Yes! 2009 had its ups and downs, joys and tears, highs and lows but if you can read this, it means that there is hope, it means that 2010 offers us a chance to be better at what we did in 2009, it means that God is giving us a second chance to love, to live, to explore, to forgive and forget, to let go of the betrayals, the hurt, the pain and just let it go.
For me, 2009 was a good year because I discovered more about myself, i discovered some new things about me – good and bad, I learned how to deal with my weaknesses and work with my strengths, I learned quite a number of things ranging from how to manage people better to how to appreciate each moment especially moments spent with my family. I did finally get my groove on the salsa dance floor, I went out more often, made some new friends, saw more movies, made the effort to be more patient. I ain’t perfect yet but I’m getting there…err…that is if there’s anything like perfection
In no particular order, I’ll go over what I learned this year:
• Obama winning the Nobel peace prize taught me that when it is your time to shine, you will, regardless of whether people feel you deserve it at the time or not.
• Lady Gaga meeting the Queen taught me that even the raunchiest of celebrities know how to behave when they meet royalty. By Jove that red dress was garish…surprising to spot lady Gaga in a proper dress that covered all her goods however garish.
• My colleague lost his dad a few days to Christmas and my best friend lost her younger brother to a car accident. Funny that she also lost her mom in 2008. With these deaths, I learned that death does take us by surprise and even when we think we have space especially if you’ve lost one in such a short while, another can still occur…I have not lost a parent neither have I lost a brother but I’ve lost friends, uncles and people generally and one thing is certain, it is painful. And while grieving, we tend to question God but we should never forget that he sees the big picture, we only see the blueprint which is why we need him always. He knows why and while we may ask “Dear Lord, why me?” Let us also remember that He is God and sits on the throne. He is the giver and taker of all things from success to love to joy to grief to hurt to life and death.
Michael Jackson’s death reminded me that no matter your status in life is, you ain’t above it. Suffice it to say that big or small, death will come; it’s just a matter of time. It also taught me that no one has it all…we all lack something and sometimes a smile or a compliment will make a difference. Leave judgement to God, if he will wait until we die, who are you to judge?
• I also learned that no one is above any sin and the moment you start to think that you are above a particular sin, temptation will strike. So guard your hearts diligently and in all humility ask God for His grace because for every temptation that comes your way, there is a way out. However, seeing that way out might just be the issue because you will try so hard too justify your actions even when you know they are wrong.
• Kevin winning big brother taught me that good inter-personal skills will always open doors for you in the long run. Respect your fellow human beings. Who knows? Africa or the world might just be watching. Better still, God is definitely watching.
• Children have also taught me the effect of an innocent smile…that always has an effect on me. Makes me want a child of my own daily.
• Yaradua’s illness taught me that leaders will always fall ill but it’s how the followers handle it that matters. The Country must still go on innit?
- Gani Fawehinmi's death taught me that it pays to be good because when you die, people will say great things about you and will genuinely mourn you.
• Tiger Woods' scandal, just as Bill Clinton’s years ago reminds me that these role models are only human. If you can succumb to temptation, why not them? I am not justifying his action but this is what happens when we choose to imitate man. Man will always disappoint you or have you never disappointed anyone? Why not make the He that was like you in all but sin your role model and avoid disappointments? It’s okay to have a human mentor but please do not expect too much of them. No one is perfect, not even you.
• I also learned that friends will disappoint you after all, I have disappointed some.
• Men of God will also disappoint you but if you decide to leave a church because a man of God disappointed you, it is not a good enough reason because if you do a deep soul searching, you will realize that the church is bigger than that man of God who let you down. But if you have soul searched and discovered that you are not getting what it is you want from a church especially if the truth is not being preached, then you should leave.
• Rebranding Nigeria has to begin with you and I. movies like “District 9” will continue to be made but if you want to make a change, begin with yourself. Some of us started by painting Mushin, others started by being more in tune with the needy in the society, However you choose to do it, let it affect a Nigerian positively.
• Farouq Mutallab’s actions has smeared our name again… Nigeria!!!
As the curtains fall on 2009, the memories will only be in our hearts, photographs and in shared memories with our friends, families and all those that were a part of it. As the stage opens to 2010, let us remember that no one is perfect but most people are good; people cannot and should not be judged only by their worst or weakest moments; harsh judgements can make hypocrites of you and I. A lot of life is just showing up and hanging on; that laughter is often the best and sometimes the only response to pain. Everyone has a story of dreams and nightmares, hope and heartache, love and loss, courage and fear, sacrifice and selfishness and in the midst of all these, if you have a friend who listens and encourages you, you should be thankful because each of us have our individual battles.
There will always be choices, passages, moments that make a difference for a life time. So before you make that life changing decision, think again.
2009! A year that will never be again.
Happy 2010 and remember that the years go by too quickly to waste them in silent prisons of hate. As Chaz B always says, “Show love just because…”
Once again, Happy 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Friends with Benefits
Have you ever heard this phrase? Yes! Friends with benefits!
Let me try to define it. You are friends with a member of the opposite sex and for some reason that relationship is not defined. Why? Because one person is either dating someone else, is afraid of committing because he/she feels there is someone better out there or because the person is just comfortable with the status quo. I mean he/she may not have a boy or girlfriend but is getting “everything”, yes literally and figuratively from this person and does not want it to change. However, this person does not want to commit. Meanwhile, the partner is there having hopes that he/she will come around to making a commitment because as is usual in this kind of relationship, one person is in love and is emotionally tied to this person and most victims in this case are the women folk.
The really bad thing about this relationship is that it goes on for years…sometimes as long as ten years and as an outsider you may ask “is she stupid?” what can I say? Emotions run deep and there’s nothing as sweet to a man as love that he did not work for… I got that line from a book I read back in the university, can’t remember the title though but it is so true.
Larry met Nkem while they were corps members. He had a girlfriend but something about Nkem just continues to pull him. he approaches her and they “click” immediately. They become fast friends but Larry holds back the information that he is indeed seeing someone and before you know it, sparks start flying. He calls her at odd hours of the day, visits her at home, buys her gifts on a whim and Nkem is floating in “love heaven”. Somewhere along the line he fesses up and tells Nkem that he has a girlfriend who he is in love with (this is like five years down the line when she’s expecting him to commit and pop the question). To say that her world came crumbling down would be an understatement but she was madly in love with him already and she kept telling herself “if he could show me so much affection and claim to love me, who knows? I just might get him to commit”. So he hangs on hoping that he’ll come around and because of this, she ignores all other guys that come her way. Larry eventually got married to his girlfriend and did not bother to tell Nkem.
In chioma’s case, she loved Nnamdi to a fault. They were just friends but somewhere along the line, emotions start rolling. She cooks his meals, cleans his house, warms his bed and all but Nnamdi won’t even acknowledge her as his girlfriend. She stays on hoping and praying to God that he will come around but after three years, she goes to his house one day and sees another girl with her luggage in his house. It did not clear the scales in her eyes as she kept telling herself that the other lady would pass. All this while, she’s been ignoring advances from other guys because her heart was somewhere and although Nnamdi did not commit, he kept leading her on. Her turning point was a certain day when she sent him a romantic text and his reply was that the other lady saw it. That was the day Chioma decided she had had enough.
Do you see why I say ladies are more vulnerable? In both cases, real life if I may add, the guys led them on when they knew there was no future in the relationship. And although the ladies saw the hand writing on the wall, the signals they kept getting from the guys blurred their discernment.
Why would you stay in a relationship that keeps draining you emotionally, spiritually, financially and otherwise? Is it lack of self-esteem? Is it that love has blinded you so much that you really cannot look at the big picture which is that you should love yourself first because if you do not love yourself, you will take whatever crap anyone hands out to you and even thank the person for it. If you are in a relationship that is a year old and still undefined, don’t you think it’s time to hit the freeway? Because if you have selflessly loved someone and that person has not reciprocated, isn’t it a sign that he will never? Some ladies will say “I’ve given so much, I can’t start all over again”, “I can’t love another like I’ve loved him”, “he knows me so well” …the list goes on and on…
Funny enough, both guys are married now to other people of course and while Chioma was able to find herself a good man, Nkem hasn’t been so lucky. Can you relate to this story? If you can, don’t you think it is time to let go?
God created marriage and it is indeed a good thing only if spent with Mr. Right. Pity does not cut it. If he marries you out of pity, you are worse off for it, if he marries you because “she’s stuck around long enough, why don’t I just make her happy by making her my bride” it will not work in the long run. How would you feel if you overheard your husband to be say to his friends “she completes me like no other does, I love her and I know it will not always be easy but I am willing to take the risk” or if you overheard him say “well, she loves me and she is obedient and honestly I can control her so what the hell! I might as well marry her” or “she is rich, her family will help my career”. If you heard any of the last two, would you seriously get into that kind of marriage? You would if you’re in for what you can get or because your self esteem is on an all time low or you are so desperate that a wolf who by the way is not in a sheep’s clothing is a blessing to you but if you have feelings for the guy and you overheard the first statement, wouldn’t you smile to your friends and tell them that no matter how bad it gets, you know that he’ll always be there till death do you part.
It does take the grace of God and while we are itching to settle down, let us shine our eyes. And remember it is he that findeth a wife and not the other way round.
Let me try to define it. You are friends with a member of the opposite sex and for some reason that relationship is not defined. Why? Because one person is either dating someone else, is afraid of committing because he/she feels there is someone better out there or because the person is just comfortable with the status quo. I mean he/she may not have a boy or girlfriend but is getting “everything”, yes literally and figuratively from this person and does not want it to change. However, this person does not want to commit. Meanwhile, the partner is there having hopes that he/she will come around to making a commitment because as is usual in this kind of relationship, one person is in love and is emotionally tied to this person and most victims in this case are the women folk.
The really bad thing about this relationship is that it goes on for years…sometimes as long as ten years and as an outsider you may ask “is she stupid?” what can I say? Emotions run deep and there’s nothing as sweet to a man as love that he did not work for… I got that line from a book I read back in the university, can’t remember the title though but it is so true.
Larry met Nkem while they were corps members. He had a girlfriend but something about Nkem just continues to pull him. he approaches her and they “click” immediately. They become fast friends but Larry holds back the information that he is indeed seeing someone and before you know it, sparks start flying. He calls her at odd hours of the day, visits her at home, buys her gifts on a whim and Nkem is floating in “love heaven”. Somewhere along the line he fesses up and tells Nkem that he has a girlfriend who he is in love with (this is like five years down the line when she’s expecting him to commit and pop the question). To say that her world came crumbling down would be an understatement but she was madly in love with him already and she kept telling herself “if he could show me so much affection and claim to love me, who knows? I just might get him to commit”. So he hangs on hoping that he’ll come around and because of this, she ignores all other guys that come her way. Larry eventually got married to his girlfriend and did not bother to tell Nkem.
In chioma’s case, she loved Nnamdi to a fault. They were just friends but somewhere along the line, emotions start rolling. She cooks his meals, cleans his house, warms his bed and all but Nnamdi won’t even acknowledge her as his girlfriend. She stays on hoping and praying to God that he will come around but after three years, she goes to his house one day and sees another girl with her luggage in his house. It did not clear the scales in her eyes as she kept telling herself that the other lady would pass. All this while, she’s been ignoring advances from other guys because her heart was somewhere and although Nnamdi did not commit, he kept leading her on. Her turning point was a certain day when she sent him a romantic text and his reply was that the other lady saw it. That was the day Chioma decided she had had enough.
Do you see why I say ladies are more vulnerable? In both cases, real life if I may add, the guys led them on when they knew there was no future in the relationship. And although the ladies saw the hand writing on the wall, the signals they kept getting from the guys blurred their discernment.
Why would you stay in a relationship that keeps draining you emotionally, spiritually, financially and otherwise? Is it lack of self-esteem? Is it that love has blinded you so much that you really cannot look at the big picture which is that you should love yourself first because if you do not love yourself, you will take whatever crap anyone hands out to you and even thank the person for it. If you are in a relationship that is a year old and still undefined, don’t you think it’s time to hit the freeway? Because if you have selflessly loved someone and that person has not reciprocated, isn’t it a sign that he will never? Some ladies will say “I’ve given so much, I can’t start all over again”, “I can’t love another like I’ve loved him”, “he knows me so well” …the list goes on and on…
Funny enough, both guys are married now to other people of course and while Chioma was able to find herself a good man, Nkem hasn’t been so lucky. Can you relate to this story? If you can, don’t you think it is time to let go?
God created marriage and it is indeed a good thing only if spent with Mr. Right. Pity does not cut it. If he marries you out of pity, you are worse off for it, if he marries you because “she’s stuck around long enough, why don’t I just make her happy by making her my bride” it will not work in the long run. How would you feel if you overheard your husband to be say to his friends “she completes me like no other does, I love her and I know it will not always be easy but I am willing to take the risk” or if you overheard him say “well, she loves me and she is obedient and honestly I can control her so what the hell! I might as well marry her” or “she is rich, her family will help my career”. If you heard any of the last two, would you seriously get into that kind of marriage? You would if you’re in for what you can get or because your self esteem is on an all time low or you are so desperate that a wolf who by the way is not in a sheep’s clothing is a blessing to you but if you have feelings for the guy and you overheard the first statement, wouldn’t you smile to your friends and tell them that no matter how bad it gets, you know that he’ll always be there till death do you part.
It does take the grace of God and while we are itching to settle down, let us shine our eyes. And remember it is he that findeth a wife and not the other way round.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Giving back to the Society
So today my town’s people had their “nmechi” for the year and even though I did not want to attend, my mum insisted and I couldn’t help but remember a line in “Half of a Yellow Sun” where Kainene explained to a white guy the notion about being fresh meat for young single guys out there. I mean I couldn’t help remembering that line cos my mum has been on my case to bring home a guy… if u know what I mean.
Anyways I tagged along and pleaded with my brother to come along so I wouldn’t get bored but he did not want to so I ended up going alone with a copy of “Half of a Yellow Sun” which I’m still reading. Anyways we got there and I did not see any of my cousins neither did I sight any interesting guy so after looking around for a while, I went back to the car to continue my quest in Olanna and Kainene’s world and couldn’t help thinking that I hadn’t ironed what to wear to work tomorrow. But before I went off to the car, I greeted some of my aunts, “nnukwu nne”, “nne m” and nnam ochie” and all other names we have for such relatives.
After a while, some guy sought me out in the car…he claimed to know me but I did not recognize hime but what the hell! He is from my village so I indulged him and we walked back to the gathering. Upon getting there I noticed that there was so much noise all of a sudden only for me to look up to see that a raffle draw was going on. There were refrigerators, bags of rice, television sets, motorcycles, cartons of noodles and other items all donated by the rich among us in my village. And I thought to myself as I saw the joy on the winners’ faces as their numbers were called, the screams of delighted surprise and the cheers of the audience, this is what charity is all about. I mean whoever said “Charity begins at home” knew what he was talking about. Forty bags of rice were donated by an individual and it was shared among the widows.
Some of us are rich and can afford to help others but we do not start with our families, we do not begin with our immediate communities for reasons best known to us but prefer to help others outside our immediate family and community. But if you are well to do and your family looks shabby, wouldn’t you be ashamed?
While the masses prayed for the givers and asked God to provide more for them, I thought to myself, what more could anyone ask for if not the blessings of his people? While some of us might see it as blasé, I think it is worth commending because after all, charity begins at home.
If you are in the position to help people, please let it start with your family and immediate community. Much as I did not want to go, it is one thing I learned today.
To all those who put smiles on people’s faces today, may God bless and replace in tenfold all that you gave today and to the wonderful people of Unubi, I say long live Unubi!!! I am proud of my village.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Purple Hibiscus
While the big brother participants are apprehensive about who’s going to leave the house next, yours truly just finished reading the book with the above titled written by Chimamanda Adichie whose first name I only just got to know how to pronounce. I really couldn’t make up my mind if it is an Igbo or English name or if it is a mixture of English and Igbo until a colleague of mine pronounced it with the proper Igbo inflection.
I was still a child when I got introduced to the Hibiscus flower which is red in colour, I used to cut it from my neighbour’s garden and put it in my hair. If you wrote WAEC in ‘99/2000, we drew it in our Biology practical exam so I was taken off guard when I heard “purple hibiscus” but Chimamanda has justified it or has she?
The book made quite an amazing impression on me - it is one of those books that you don’t want to put down – it kept me awake at night even when I had work the following day.
I really am at a loss on where to start.
What is a family? To me, a family is more than just a dad, a mum and kids which is where I think “papa” or Uncle Eugene lost it. Yes he was religious, he gave to the poor, he was charitable and kind to all and sundry but his family. The church recognized him and women would willingly throw themselves or their daughters at him according to his wife Beatrice. His kids grew up in an atmosphere of total fear, they had no opinion, and everything for them had to be approved by their dad, which really isn’t a bad thing. Where it is bad is where kids are not allowed to be kids, where every mistake they make is a sin and should be confessed at the feet of a priest, I mean even his wife was dead scared of him and if she “misbehaved”, he punished her by beating her or doing atrocious things to her. Even the kids were not left out. Imagine where your dad pours hot water on you just because you have a picture of or you were in the same room with your “heathen” grandfather! Or where he disfigures your finger because you came 2nd position in class! I mean, who stays in that kind of marriage? An Igbo woman.
The man is more catholic than the Catholic Church, to the extent that singing igbo songs or hymns at mass is not acceptable to him, he does not care for his aged father because according to him, he is a heathen just because he does not believe in the catholic faith. With all that, his father still includes him in his prayers. His sister, aunt Ifeoma is also a catholic but is the direct opposite of him. she is a widow, and has to cater for three kids on her own. As a university lecturer, this is not an easy feat but her family is built on the foundation of love, laughter and discipline. Funny enough, I could relate to aunt Ifeoma’s family because we also used to fetch water outside as kids, I used to share some pieces of meat with my brothers whaenever we ate garri…we never got a piece to ourselves except on Sundays. Then my family was and still is where we are always ourselves, free to talk, laugh and be kids. We knew we were not supposed to fail at school but even when we did not perform as good as we ought to, we were not seriously beaten or made fun of, instead my mum would shout a little but whoever had poor results that term had to put in more study time over the holidays.
Aunt Ifeoma manages to convince Eugene to let his kids come and spend some time in Nsukka with her and while the environment and behavior was strange, it was full of love and naturally Jaja and Kambili preferred their aunt’s home to theirs.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was when Eugene beat his wife yet again to the extenet that he broke their centre table on her stomach, causing her to have a miscarriage for the third or fourth time. After she recovered from this incident, she lost it. She started feeding him poison in his tea until he eventually slumped and died. An autopsy was performed and when the police came, Jaja claimed he killed his dad.
While I do not believe in murder, I must say that Eugene had it coming; I did not like the way it ended either and while murder is not a good idea, i do know that there is more to life than shades of black and white. I have a problem with their Parish Priest, Fr. Benedict though. As a spiritual director, he could not have claimed not to have seen the physical and emotional assault the family was going through, he heard their confession and unless Eugene did not confess everything he did (if he even saw it as wrong) the priest did nothing about it. When he beat his daughter so hard that she lost consciousness and was rushed to the catholic hospital, he could have done something but no he did not. Maybe he was blinded by the generous donations he made to the church.
Yet we wonder why we have so many psychopaths in the society! If I come from a dysfunctional family, how am I supposed to behave in public? If I can’t laugh at home, where could I possibly laugh? If my dad’s way of discipline is scarring me and then using tears with the words “anything I do, I do out of love” to blackmail me emotionally as a child, what will I teach my kids? For how long will we continue to use religion as a perfect cover for our heinous crimes? He called his own father a heathen and “hands offed” him but in what way did he try to win his father over by showing love to him? if you call yourself a Christian and your ways are evil, how do you intend to win souls?
Did I mention the attraction between Kambili and Father Amadi? Yes! Priests have feelings too, after all, they are also human like you and i.
These and more are the questions that arose in me when I read “Purple Hibiscus”.
Chimamanda Adichie came into lime light with this book even though she had written short stories in the past. Her style of writing took me back to the days of Chinua Achebe, Cyprian Ekwensi, Flora Nwapa and the like where children used to seat at the feet of the elders and listen to “akuko ifo” otherwise known as folktales. She is also the author of “Half of a yellow sun” and guess what! She is young and an inspiration to many people out there. I get bored easily but this book held my interest from start to finish and I did not want it to end. I am so proud of her.
(Yawns) I’m tired of typing…why don’t you go get or borrow a copy of “Purple Hibiscus” if you haven’t and get the whole story? As for me, I’m off to ook for my next Chimamanda book. See you later.
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