Friends with Benefits

Have you ever heard this phrase? Yes! Friends with benefits!

Let me try to define it. You are friends with a member of the opposite sex and for some reason that relationship is not defined. Why? Because one person is either dating someone else, is afraid of committing because he/she feels there is someone better out there or because the person is just comfortable with the status quo. I mean he/she may not have a boy or girlfriend but is getting “everything”, yes literally and figuratively from this person and does not want it to change. However, this person does not want to commit. Meanwhile, the partner is there having hopes that he/she will come around to making a commitment because as is usual in this kind of relationship, one person is in love and is emotionally tied to this person and most victims in this case are the women folk.
The really bad thing about this relationship is that it goes on for years…sometimes as long as ten years and as an outsider you may ask “is she stupid?” what can I say? Emotions run deep and there’s nothing as sweet to a man as love that he did not work for… I got that line from a book I read back in the university, can’t remember the title though but it is so true.

Larry met Nkem while they were corps members. He had a girlfriend but something about Nkem just continues to pull him. he approaches her and they “click” immediately. They become fast friends but Larry holds back the information that he is indeed seeing someone and before you know it, sparks start flying. He calls her at odd hours of the day, visits her at home, buys her gifts on a whim and Nkem is floating in “love heaven”. Somewhere along the line he fesses up and tells Nkem that he has a girlfriend who he is in love with (this is like five years down the line when she’s expecting him to commit and pop the question). To say that her world came crumbling down would be an understatement but she was madly in love with him already and she kept telling herself “if he could show me so much affection and claim to love me, who knows? I just might get him to commit”. So he hangs on hoping that he’ll come around and because of this, she ignores all other guys that come her way. Larry eventually got married to his girlfriend and did not bother to tell Nkem.
In chioma’s case, she loved Nnamdi to a fault. They were just friends but somewhere along the line, emotions start rolling. She cooks his meals, cleans his house, warms his bed and all but Nnamdi won’t even acknowledge her as his girlfriend. She stays on hoping and praying to God that he will come around but after three years, she goes to his house one day and sees another girl with her luggage in his house. It did not clear the scales in her eyes as she kept telling herself that the other lady would pass. All this while, she’s been ignoring advances from other guys because her heart was somewhere and although Nnamdi did not commit, he kept leading her on. Her turning point was a certain day when she sent him a romantic text and his reply was that the other lady saw it. That was the day Chioma decided she had had enough.

Do you see why I say ladies are more vulnerable? In both cases, real life if I may add, the guys led them on when they knew there was no future in the relationship. And although the ladies saw the hand writing on the wall, the signals they kept getting from the guys blurred their discernment.
Why would you stay in a relationship that keeps draining you emotionally, spiritually, financially and otherwise? Is it lack of self-esteem? Is it that love has blinded you so much that you really cannot look at the big picture which is that you should love yourself first because if you do not love yourself, you will take whatever crap anyone hands out to you and even thank the person for it. If you are in a relationship that is a year old and still undefined, don’t you think it’s time to hit the freeway? Because if you have selflessly loved someone and that person has not reciprocated, isn’t it a sign that he will never? Some ladies will say “I’ve given so much, I can’t start all over again”, “I can’t love another like I’ve loved him”, “he knows me so well” …the list goes on and on…
Funny enough, both guys are married now to other people of course and while Chioma was able to find herself a good man, Nkem hasn’t been so lucky. Can you relate to this story? If you can, don’t you think it is time to let go?

God created marriage and it is indeed a good thing only if spent with Mr. Right. Pity does not cut it. If he marries you out of pity, you are worse off for it, if he marries you because “she’s stuck around long enough, why don’t I just make her happy by making her my bride” it will not work in the long run. How would you feel if you overheard your husband to be say to his friends “she completes me like no other does, I love her and I know it will not always be easy but I am willing to take the risk” or if you overheard him say “well, she loves me and she is obedient and honestly I can control her so what the hell! I might as well marry her” or “she is rich, her family will help my career”. If you heard any of the last two, would you seriously get into that kind of marriage? You would if you’re in for what you can get or because your self esteem is on an all time low or you are so desperate that a wolf who by the way is not in a sheep’s clothing is a blessing to you but if you have feelings for the guy and you overheard the first statement, wouldn’t you smile to your friends and tell them that no matter how bad it gets, you know that he’ll always be there till death do you part.
It does take the grace of God and while we are itching to settle down, let us shine our eyes. And remember it is he that findeth a wife and not the other way round.